Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
