We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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