Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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