the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
