you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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