If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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