I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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