I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
