I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
