Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
