Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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