Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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