a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
