So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
