our cab driver is having phone sex.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
