my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
