so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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