Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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