the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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