i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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