I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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