So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
