i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
