I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
