1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I bet he comes in French.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
