Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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