the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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