he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
