and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
