Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize