Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
