Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
