this beer tastes like vomit already
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
