She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
