He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
