I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
