I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
