thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
