i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
