you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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