We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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