Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
