I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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