At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im six kinds of drunk right now
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
