I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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