You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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