We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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