I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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