I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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