Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
