when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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