Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
