I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
