I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
