and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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