Swine flu. Run for my life!
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
