dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry about my life...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize