apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I supernannyed him into submission
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
