And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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