Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
