if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
