Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
