Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
