The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize